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first chapter - Liquid Sunshine


moonchild10
Jun. 19th, 2006 10:33 pm first chapter16 rays of liquid sunshine - Leave a ray of liquid sunshinePrevious Entry Share Next Entry

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From:cyber_pilgrim
Date:October 12th, 2006 03:51 pm (UTC)

chapter 1

(Link)
I like it: it's a long time since I was twenty-two, but our characters don't age, and I believe it will speak to teens and the twenty-somethings. For us older folks it will give some insight into the thinking of the younger folks; maybe even bridge the generation gap for some.

Since I write too, I know your dying for some feedback, so here's my contribution to help you polish your work.

Proof-reading is essential to check for typos, and choice of words, before posting. Also, if we have trouble reading our own tricky sentences, this is where we lose lazy readers.

In your first paragraph you have an "in" that should be "it" for the sentence to read right. There is another word that needs changing in the paragraph about Cain's band. Try: when his band was getting on its feet.

Rework the paragraph about Dan smoking. Strengthen the impression of where he was; I picked up that he was outside, but not sure where from. Try starting with Dan went through several cigarettes, and drop "by this time." Move the right bracket to, "as Emily called them)." You could also start this paragraph with the sentence of not being allowed to smoke in the house; just rearrange it and keep the bracketed comment small. It will help this tricky wording read smoother.
One thing that helps me is to work on Word Perfect, and use the grammatique to help me get it smooth. I don't know if we can upload a document yet, as we can pics, if not you could always print out your results to type into your post.

Back to the helpful hints: In the inner chamber (page 2: paragraph 2), make the period after "rock stars dream" a comma, and make the upper case B a lower case b.

Next paragraph: change the brackets to commas, and finish the image of where he swings his legs. Then you could use a semicolon and add; as he waited... You don't need "anyhow." Try starting the next sentence with: He fidgeted with... If you like it the next sentence would avoid repetition of starting words, if you changed "He then; to Then he."

I hope this is what you're looking for; why don't you join my friends list, and/or add me to yours. It could open up the opportunity for some younger people to read your work. I'm new at this, and I've just joined a doodle community. I get the impression that there are a lot of young people in this community, who just might relate to what you're writing.